On my ‘site stats’ page it tells me how people have found their way to my site; be it from facebook, a link from another site or from a search engine. If they found me through a search engine then it tells me what they typed in that led to them finding my site.

Regular readers will know I’m openly critical of the human race. Every day I witness feats of stupidity that would push me to the edge of despair if I didn’t have sounds friends, family and colleagues to remind me that not everyone is the walking dumb.

The search terms that have directed people to my site are usually entertaining; last week someone found me by typing in ‘Wayne Bridge Cock Bulge’. I’ve had hundreds of hits over the last week of people searching for The Walking Dead‘s impending arrival on channel 5 (Sunday 10pm on 5), and search terms like that are expected and welcomed.

What isn’t expected is a search term from this morning that makes me doubt humankind on a whole new, worrying level.

Two people found my site by typing in ‘Royal Wedding Videogame’.

The way I see it is that there are two explanations for someone being stupid enough to search for this:

1) They saw the fake video game piece I wrote last month and found it deeply hilarious. Then they forgot the place they saw such comedy and had to search for it on Google.

2) They are living evidence that humanity should start winding down, because if someone actually thought their might be, or should be, a videogame based on the Royal wedding, then we may as well all give up.

If the two people that visited my site today via this search term are reading this now, allow me to share some advice…

Seek medical attention or jump out of a very high window.

Alternatively, if these two people searched for such a ludicrous thing based on the fact they were trying to find my fake game preview, then pat yourselves on the back and hop outside your window and enjoy the hottest day of the year so far. And buy me an ice cream. Well done, you.

This article was not subject to the approval of …I Don’t Know Jack and does not represent the opinion of the article’s author. It was not ratified by the Royal Family, the Royal Mail or Microsoft. If this article offends you, please reconsider your place amongst the living…

For those that missed the Royal Wedding 3D game preview:

NO. This should never happen.


Addicted to Games? Panorama BBC, Monday 20.30

Are you kidding me? I shouldn’t be surprised, mind you. Some people believe that videogames are the source of all evil in today’s youth. I don’t know if this is true but I did once accidentally run over a badger near my house. It just ran out in front of me late one night. I was devastated; my therapist concluded that the whole episode was possibly a result of playing Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas.

The effects of violent videogames are sadly seen everywhere, everyday.

This half-hour investigation takes a look at videogame addiction and manages to find a handful of examples of kids that have ‘lost it’ a bit when told their World of Warcraft session must come to an end. One ‘addict’ even smashed a vase. An Ikea vase.

There’s not much wrong with playing videogames as a hobbie. When I first lived in London I played a lot of Halo 3 online every evening. With not much cash and no girlfriend it was an excellent way to pass time. It was even sociable, with a lot of my mates playing online too and, with today’s gaming peripherals, that means online banter with your real-life friends, usually planning which pub you’ll go to on Friday after work.

So how is it that young men of my generation, who did grow up with games consoles, can pick up an Xbox controller for seven hours one evening and completely abandon it the next? What is so different about today’s youngsters that makes them unable to control their hobby?

Is it the games themselves? The gaming industry is bigger than ever before and the latest must-have titles have bigger opening weekends than big budget films. Their shelf life is vastly increased by online accessibility, meaning every ‘session’ is different. For sure this could be a cause – when I play online I’m always thinking ‘Just one more game’, but is this really the reason behind fully-fledged addiction?

In a word, no. Blaming videogames themselves for these addictive tendencies is like blaming horror films and games for spiraling teen crime. Is Grand Theft Auto really the reason that 14 year olds hang around car parks and offer some vocal abuse to passers by?

I have got to try this next time I'm in town...

The problem isn’t the games, movies or books: it’s the role models. Using myself and all my school friends as examples, we loved playing games but we were told when we could and couldn’t switch our consoles on. If we were hidden away in our bedroom all evening our parents actually gave a shit what we were up to, making sure we did our homework and got to bed at a decent hour. If we wanted to play a videogame they’d let us have an hour or so put by for the joyous act. Sure we’d be upset when the allocated time was over but if we put up a fuss we’d lose the right to have a go the next evening, or not be allowed any pudding. It was all part of learning how the world worked.

Games should not be held responsible for videogame addiction, nor should they be blamed for violence, but it’s easier for the powers that be to blame a game. Not to mention easier to try and solve than the real underlying issue.

I wasn’t addicted to videogames when I was 13, nor was I loitering on street corners trying to verbally intimidate an elderly man walking to buy his daily paper – because my parents ensured my upbringing was balanced and they set the right examples for me to follow. Just like watching a film in the cinema; adult or violent videogames come with an age certificate, yet I’ve played countless games against opposition who clearly don’t meet the age requirements. I’ll hazard a guess that they didn’t buy the game themselves. It’s could be as simple as that.

I’d back up my argument by quoting some ‘experts’ from the show itself, only I didn’t listen to it. I was busy playing Call of Duty: Black Ops and I will be until early tomorrow morning. Then I’ll probably go out and start a war.